Changing things around....

It's hard to believe that I haven't posted in a month! I've tried to post a couple of times, typed a long entry, only to have tblog delete it when ever I tried to use emoticons in the BETA posting engine! Needless to say, I was NOT pleased! From now on, I will only use regular text or add my own html and not try to use anything from tblog...until I figure out how to post my blog on my on website!Homeschooling has been going well...public school..so-so. I can't wait to bring Haleigh home!I'm at work right now feeling so stuffed! We had the work Christmas party this afternoon and everyone made some wonderful food. I ate too much. 8o~Tony and I went Christmas shopping for the girls Thursday night and we pretty much finished. There were absolutely NO Dora the Explorer Magic Hair Fairytale dolls in Hattiesburg so I went to Ebay. I only paid $30 over the regular price! CRAZY!!!!! Well, my baby wanted it and my goodness...she is going to get it! Now I am trying to find a Hair Beader for Hannah. That must be the other hot holiday item this year! I have all of Haleigh's!(applause)We are still not finished with remodelling the attic into living space for the girls. I am so ready to be done with it and get those children in their own rooms and in their own beds! Maybe soon...Points to Ponder...I've considered changing the whole look of my website....can't decide. Any suggestions? I've even thought about changing the name!
Oh well...who knows when I will post next~
Merry Christmas just in case!
12.17.04 (4:41 pm)
It's hard to believe that I haven't posted in a month! I've tried to post a couple of times, typed a long entry, only to have tblog delete it when ever I tried to use emoticons in the BETA posting engine! Needless to say, I was NOT pleased! From now on, I will only use regular text or add my own html and not try to use anything from tblog...until I figure out how to post my blog on my on website!Homeschooling has been going well...public school..so-so. I can't wait to bring Haleigh home!I'm at work right now feeling so stuffed! We had the work Christmas party this afternoon and everyone made some wonderful food. I ate too much. 8o~Tony and I went Christmas shopping for the girls Thursday night and we pretty much finished. There were absolutely NO Dora the Explorer Magic Hair Fairytale dolls in Hattiesburg so I went to Ebay. I only paid $30 over the regular price! CRAZY!!!!! Well, my baby wanted it and my goodness...she is going to get it! Now I am trying to find a Hair Beader for Hannah. That must be the other hot holiday item this year! I have all of Haleigh's!(applause)We are still not finished with remodelling the attic into living space for the girls. I am so ready to be done with it and get those children in their own rooms and in their own beds! Maybe soon...Points to Ponder...I've considered changing the whole look of my website....can't decide. Any suggestions? I've even thought about changing the name!
Oh well...who knows when I will post next~
Merry Christmas just in case!

Loss Of A Parent...

 

My loss happened 31 years ago when I was 3, yet the pain is still unbearable when I think about it. I guess because it was so traumatic I have never begun to heal. I don't remember my mother, but I do remember when she died, not from what people told me. One day I described everything to my dad who couldn't believe that I knew the things I did. I guess trauma either sticks with you or you completely block it out. Well, I did not block it out! My mom was 25 years old, with three kids. My 2 brothers were 7 and 6 years old, I was three. My dad worked off shore and was off shore at the time it happened. My mom had been in the garden that day and complained of a headache to her best friend.( I was told that part) Anyway, I remember that afternoon when she laid down on the couch and we thought she was taking a nap. My brothers were old enough to fix cereal, so they fixed us that for supper, when we couldn't wake mama up. At bedtime, we still couldn't wake her up, so my brothers made a pallet on the floor, and I slept on the couch with my mom. The next morning, our neighbor lady (she used to check on my mama when daddy was gone, I guess because mama was so young and with 3 kids--whatever the reason, I am glad she did.) The next theing I remember is the ambulance and my mama was gone. I can describe the couch, where it was located and different other things in the room. My mother died due to blood clots on the brain. Daddy said I used to run around the house crying for and looking for mama and I couldn't understand why she wouldn't come. He did not let us go to the funeral or funeral home, so maybe I've never had closure. I always feel as if I am missing something, even though I know what it is. I hate that I never got to know my mother. That's the worst thing. If she would have died when I was older,(which that would be hard also) I would have at least had some beautiful memories of her rather than the ones of her on the couch. I've never had therapy, but think even to this day, I might need it. I've never gone for it, because you "just don't do that" in our family! My daddy remarried a year later to a woman he met at church. She is a wonderful christian woman and I call her mama...but I still feel empty at times. I did not mention that my mom had 3 sisters, as well as my grandmother, with whom we lost contact after my mom's death.  Two of her sisters, I last saw in 1980.  I did a Google search on my mother's maiden name and found a newspaper article and an obituary on twol of her sisters.  One died in 1995, the other in 2003, and my grandmother died in February of  this year.  The last time I saw my grandmother was in 1986.  There was tension between my mom's family and my father, and my mom's family---from New Orleans were involved in a pretty rough lifestyle.(too long of story to tell here!) so mama's family never made any effort to contact us.  We always have made the efforts to try to find them...and of course I find out about their deaths over the internet.  Anyway, I still have one of her sisters still living. My father said that she and my mom were the best in character of all the sisters.  The last time I saw her was in 1988.  I've always wanted to know about my mom while she was growing up and have never had that chance until now.  On the newspaper article on an aunt that was murdered, her killer is being sentenced this month.  I emailed the staff writer of the article and explained that I was looking for my family.  I told him that in a sense, it was like being adopted and not knowing your family and how I felt I've needed closure to that part of my life. I asked for any information he might have...would he share it with me.  He emailed me back and told me that my aunt would love to hear from me and gave me her phone number!  (She never had any children and is now divorced...my brothers and I,  another niece and nephew, who she hardly knows, are all she has left) He faxed her my long email that I sent him.  She said she went around work that entire day telling everyone, "My niece is looking for me!"  She also said she cried several times during the day, too.  So...we have made plans to get together to try to create a family bond that was never allowed to grow...she is so lonely.  I hate that everything happened this late in life, but now, I can kind of get to know about my mom and her family.  "Happiness"  can't begin to describe what I am feeling!  Pray that we learn to accept each other with love and forgiveness and develop a special family tie.

I did absolutely nothing last night, but climb in the bed last night. Soooo....due to my laziness...I am packing today! Who wants to stay up packing when you just finished working three 12-hour shifts in a row? Not me. There is a show on called, "Style Star" on t.v. right ow. It is talking about Christina Aguilera (sp?) She started out so sweet, like Britney, then they both turned into the biggest, whorish looking people. My girls used to love both of their music, but now the 2 have have been banned from our house. It seems there are no good role models in the public view. If it were up to me, the t.v. would be gone from our house, but Tony would die without his t.v.! I hope I can teach my children a little better and a little more self respect for themselves than what Britney and Christina have learned. It is all soooo scary though. I have three girls...each with their own little ideas and attitudes! What fun...teen years? Ugggghhhh! I need to get up and do something about packing. We will be leaving for Baton Rouge today. If I get done early enough we will check the girls out of school and head on. I'll never get done if I don't get started! Hopefully, I can find a dress. I went shopping for a dress Monday and I bought three dresses because I could not decide which one to get. I made myself sooo upset trying to shop for me. I beat myself up for being a size I do not want to be when I try clothes on, then I go to the Food Court because I am sooo upset and pig out. HELLO ...there's the reason why you've gained so much weight! I can't help it...food is my comfort. Tony says he just won't go there! He trys to support me, though sometimes, he says things the wrong way, but then again--I'm a very sensitive person...yes I wear my heart on my sleeve. My 8 year old daughter is just like me emotional- wise. Great. Always on the verge of tears. Don't know why...we just are. Anyway...enough of the baring my soul...Maybe Monday I will have some interesting thoughts on the weekend. I wish I could load pictures on my computer to share! I'll figure out a way to get them online. My brother is in Korea right now, so he can't do it for me. He's the only one who has the ability to scan pictures. I have heard that Kinko's does some scanning--I'll have to check it out, but I sure hate to pay! Have a good weekend!

Six days--no action...
It's been six days since I have posted here. We have been really busy! Oh, did I post about Barney? It was a pretty good show, but I had enough! Glad that was over!The Mardi Gras Ball is this weekend. I need to be packing NOW, but I worked Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday(today). I am ready to relax...so guess who will be up all night washing and packing! I bought three dresses the other day, but I can't decide which dress I want to keep for the Ball. I need to take 2 dresses back. I put myseslf into a major depression trying to find a dress for me. I kick myself in the tail all the time about losing weight. I'm miserable! I am also sooooosleepy! My head keeps flopping over. I need sleep. I think I am going to bed now. Good night

January 8, 2004 9:42 AM
Days later. . .
It's been a couple of days since my last post--but I've been a little busy. I've been at work--still nights right now, but that will change in the upcoming weeks. So--I sleep all day! Not much exciting has happened until last night. Last night's excitement was enough to last me for a while!The Evil Knievel of our family, AKA: Haleigh, 6 years old, decided she wanted some apple to eat. We were at my MIL's house, and her grandma cut her an apple to eat. I guess Haleigh decided she wanted some more! This being my wild child, probably the reason I did not have a boy---she is wild enough! She took it upon herself to cut some more apple! I had laid on the couch and dozed off(I had worked the night before and had not had any sleep--going for 24+ hours straight!) When I laid down, all 3 girls were watching cartoons and eating supper. Grandma had cooked us supper. She said Haleigh wanted an apple after supper, so she cut her one. Anyway, Haleigh decided she wanted more and pulled a knife out of the drawer and evidently stuck the knife thru the apple on thru to her fingers. The knife cut in the web part of the fingers between index and middle fingers. I woke up to her screaming "what happend to my hand!" Blood was gushing everywhere--all over my MIL's new tile floor and carpet(light-colored!) I've never seen so much blood on my child! After I rinsed her hand, I could kind of tell what she did! So we wrapped her hand, held pressure, and off we went to the ER of the hospital where I work (wonderful-this is the only child that has had more than one ER visit--that is a different story which also happened at the MIL's house!) Anyway, they gave her three stitches and put a bandaid on her hand. I am so thankful it was not worse! I have seen worse at the ER when I've worked down there! Haleigh was such a big girl! The doc injected a deadening med several times and Haleigh screamed, but laid still. Most kids would have been thrashing and not laid there. I was so proud of my baby! After her hand was numb, he sewed her up---she just sniffled during that! She has decided not to use knives anymore...maybe she learned her lesson!

January 5, 2004 1:24 PM
I work nights in Respiratory Care because I chose to do so. It is a lot more money, but I am about to make some changes! I also work 12 hour shifts at a time. I am tired of sleeping all day and missing out on a lot with my kids. I don't know if I could go back to an 8-5 job though! I enjoy my days off too much, but I am considering that change also so that I can be on sort of the same schedule as my family. Working nights is not for the married! It is so hard on a marriage. I've been through this sort of thing before...with the same husband and it almost ruined us...well that and a lot of other things that went on! That is another story! I really want to be a SAHM, but I have to provide the health insurance for my family. My husband is now a self-employed electrician, because construcition slumps kept causing lay-offs. He's been laid off every year from August to November for the past 2 years. This year he decided to work for himself, that way even though he may not have commercial things going on, there is still always residential things whether people building homes, or needing rewiring done. He is a union electrician--I thought that was supposed to be a good thing! So far we've not seen the good in getting laid off!Oh well! Think about me as I decide what changes I need to make!

Feeling better...when on pain killers!
I took some pain killers today so I am feeling better at times, but I've slept too much! Tony was home today...all day, so he kind of took over the girls, but that was only after we had the mother of all arguments and every ache and pain and emotion I was feeling came out in one big blast! I hate to say it, but when I feel I can't take anymore, I am a dirty fighter and I am going to say anything no matter how hurtful it is, just to hurt him before he can hurt me. I refuse to let him hurt me ever again! After I finally had to lay back down (I'm so weak from being sick), he just kept saying "I still love you, Lisa" and I couldn't return the phrase, because I just don't know! That was the first big fight since we got back together from being separated. I guess it is not a good time to focus on marriage stuff when you have fever, sore throat and can't swallow 'cause it hurt so bad! I have to work tonigt, so I guess I'll run to the doctor sometime today! I just haven't felt like driving! I feel soooo woozy when I stand up!Oh, since the fight, Tony was a lot nicer--fixed me some soup, tea, and brought it to me, and then put my dishes away when I was done! We've been married almost 11 years and I can count on one hand the times he has done that for me! If he would do stuff like that more often, I might be prone to remember the reason I married him! Everyone is in bed now and I have calmed down and a better person now. The girls go back to school tomorrow! Yippee!
I'm so excited, I just can't hide it, I'm about to lose control and I think I like it!Ok, enough singing! You get the picture! Haleigh is crying about returning to school though. She keeps saying, "I'll miss you". I tell her that I will miss her to and that I will be home waiting for her when she gets off the bus. She's been this way since I've gone to work nights. I am thinking of switching back to days to return to some type of normalcy in their life. Mama sleeps all the time---that's all they know right now. Well, I've sat up as long as I can tolerate. Time to lay down again for a little while! Until next time...

Still feeling yucky! My fever stays down only when I eat Advil like candy! Gosh! The girls were wild today! I'm so glad they finally went to bed. I did not know how much more I could take of their girlish antics! They go back to school Monday. Yippee! I did not get to do all that I had hoped to do with them. Life seems to go by so fast.
Tony came back from fishing early in the afternoon and was on a rampage because the house was a mess. I'm thinking, "OK, next time, keep you tail at home!" I just told him he could always go stay at his mom's. He hushed then, but was a jerk the rest of the evening. When he was sick, he wanted me to fix his soup for him, he just told me there was soup in the pantry. That's ok, maybe I won't be so "giving" from now on!
I guess I need to try and sleep some. I've been laying around all day, I felt I just needed to move around some.