Loss Of A Parent...

 

My loss happened 31 years ago when I was 3, yet the pain is still unbearable when I think about it. I guess because it was so traumatic I have never begun to heal. I don't remember my mother, but I do remember when she died, not from what people told me. One day I described everything to my dad who couldn't believe that I knew the things I did. I guess trauma either sticks with you or you completely block it out. Well, I did not block it out! My mom was 25 years old, with three kids. My 2 brothers were 7 and 6 years old, I was three. My dad worked off shore and was off shore at the time it happened. My mom had been in the garden that day and complained of a headache to her best friend.( I was told that part) Anyway, I remember that afternoon when she laid down on the couch and we thought she was taking a nap. My brothers were old enough to fix cereal, so they fixed us that for supper, when we couldn't wake mama up. At bedtime, we still couldn't wake her up, so my brothers made a pallet on the floor, and I slept on the couch with my mom. The next morning, our neighbor lady (she used to check on my mama when daddy was gone, I guess because mama was so young and with 3 kids--whatever the reason, I am glad she did.) The next theing I remember is the ambulance and my mama was gone. I can describe the couch, where it was located and different other things in the room. My mother died due to blood clots on the brain. Daddy said I used to run around the house crying for and looking for mama and I couldn't understand why she wouldn't come. He did not let us go to the funeral or funeral home, so maybe I've never had closure. I always feel as if I am missing something, even though I know what it is. I hate that I never got to know my mother. That's the worst thing. If she would have died when I was older,(which that would be hard also) I would have at least had some beautiful memories of her rather than the ones of her on the couch. I've never had therapy, but think even to this day, I might need it. I've never gone for it, because you "just don't do that" in our family! My daddy remarried a year later to a woman he met at church. She is a wonderful christian woman and I call her mama...but I still feel empty at times. I did not mention that my mom had 3 sisters, as well as my grandmother, with whom we lost contact after my mom's death.  Two of her sisters, I last saw in 1980.  I did a Google search on my mother's maiden name and found a newspaper article and an obituary on twol of her sisters.  One died in 1995, the other in 2003, and my grandmother died in February of  this year.  The last time I saw my grandmother was in 1986.  There was tension between my mom's family and my father, and my mom's family---from New Orleans were involved in a pretty rough lifestyle.(too long of story to tell here!) so mama's family never made any effort to contact us.  We always have made the efforts to try to find them...and of course I find out about their deaths over the internet.  Anyway, I still have one of her sisters still living. My father said that she and my mom were the best in character of all the sisters.  The last time I saw her was in 1988.  I've always wanted to know about my mom while she was growing up and have never had that chance until now.  On the newspaper article on an aunt that was murdered, her killer is being sentenced this month.  I emailed the staff writer of the article and explained that I was looking for my family.  I told him that in a sense, it was like being adopted and not knowing your family and how I felt I've needed closure to that part of my life. I asked for any information he might have...would he share it with me.  He emailed me back and told me that my aunt would love to hear from me and gave me her phone number!  (She never had any children and is now divorced...my brothers and I,  another niece and nephew, who she hardly knows, are all she has left) He faxed her my long email that I sent him.  She said she went around work that entire day telling everyone, "My niece is looking for me!"  She also said she cried several times during the day, too.  So...we have made plans to get together to try to create a family bond that was never allowed to grow...she is so lonely.  I hate that everything happened this late in life, but now, I can kind of get to know about my mom and her family.  "Happiness"  can't begin to describe what I am feeling!  Pray that we learn to accept each other with love and forgiveness and develop a special family tie.